I’ve been busy lately, and have gotten behind on my blogging. I was working on a really intellectual blog about the concept of collective joy and concerts, and then it transitioned into a discussion of my fears at being in a new relationship and how I was afraid I was short changing him by bringing my baggage from past (bad) relationships into this relationship. This relationship – the one where he kept telling me that he wasn’t like the other guys. That I could trust him. He wouldn’t hurt me. At the time I thought, “yeah right.” And I wasn’t just being cynical. I’ve dated guys who have said those exact same words before breaking my heart. And turns out, Army Guy is no exception. Except in the way that he is.

He’s an exception because he was the most mature, most intelligent, most reliable man I’d dated. He was an exception because he didn’t just say the right words, he did the right things, right up until the end.

He came over to dump me in person. Cause that’s what good guys do. He was nice enough to let me look at his face, that beautiful face that I will never see again, while he told me that he had started talking to a past girlfriend this week. This past week, while he’s been in Greece. While he was in Greece, and I was sitting here, missing him, and hating the experience of missing him, and convincing myself that this was part of being in a relationship, taking the good with the bad. While i was doing that, he was in Greece reconnecting via email with his old girlfriend.

He came over and I knew immediately that something was wrong. And yet, I didn’t immediately think it was over. I thought there was a problem with work, that he was going to have to go away again. (Look how trusting I became!). I asked him what was wrong, and got a look, and he said “lets sit down”. And I still didn’t think it was over, until he said “I suck at this.” Then I knew.

I told him to just spill it. He said “I don’t know if I mentioned much about the girl I was seeing a few months ago.” I didn’t say anything (would it have mattered if he HAD mentioned her?). He said that he’d “fucked that relationship up royaly”. And she wanted to give it another chance. He said “if i seemed distant this week (and he had), that’s why.”

He had told me this past saturday that he was coming back on tuesday morning. This morning (tuesday) he emailed to tell me he’d driven back early this morning and was at work. Tonight, while sitting on my couch, he told me he’d driven back last night and had gone to meet her “Just for drinks. Nothing happened.” (Would it matter at this point?)

At that point I phased out a little. I stared at him, at that face that I loved to look at. At that Army uniform that had once freaked me out and had become comforting, I looked at him and I thought I’m never going to look at that face again. I’m never going to feel those camo clad arms around me again.

And then I heard him say “I told her I was seeing someone, and I didn’t know if i could walk away from her. And then we met for drinks…”

And that was all I needed to hear. Because clearly, he could walk away from me, that was the bottome line, the punch line to the story. And I didn’t need to hear him say it. I didn’t need to hear why she was better than me. Why I’m someone you walk away from and she’s not.

So I stood up and said…something. I don’t really remember. It was something along the lines of “Ok, fine.” I think he tried to say something, maybe that he was sorry, and I think I said something like “whatever. I have work to do.” I remember walking to my desk and sitting down, with my back to the door. I remember thinking that I wasn’t going to let him see me cry. I sat at my computer as I heard the door close and the leaves crunch as he walked to his car, and I heard the distinctive sound of his sports car’s engine start up and that’s when I lost it.

I went back to my bedroom and called one of my friends and was sobbing before I’d even hit send. All I could think, all I could say as I waited for her to come over was “OH MY GOD. Oh my god.”

And as I told the story to the second friend to come over, I realized that I didn’t care about being single again. I never minded being single. I mind that he’s not in my life anymore. I got into a relationship because of him, because of his sense of humor, his intelligence, his deep chocolate colored eyes that I loved to look into (and I am NOT a “gazing into each other’s eyes” kind of girl). I stopped being single because I sat across a table from him at a mexican restaurant and I thought “i would be safe in those arms.” And that’s what hurts. That’s what sucks. The loss of him. The fact that he was so much more to me than I was to him.

I can’t process that its over. I keep forgetting, and I think of something that I want to tell him and then like a band aid being ripped off again, i remember. And it hurts. Holy god does it hurt. 

He invaded my life so completely, litterally over-night. From the first email it was non-stop. And just as quickly its gone. I guess that’s the thing. 0-60 goes 60-0 just as easily.

We talked about everything, we had long drawn out conversations in person and on email about everything from the trivial, to the emotional. And it was over in less than 5 minutes.  And I think that’s part of the problem – part of why it doesn’t feel real.

I’ve been drinking for 4 hours. Why am I not unconcious yet ?