Today was a pretty good day. I was more productive, functional and focused then I’ve been in the last three weeks. For those not keeping track, Army Guy exited my life three weeks ago. This is the longest its taken for me to get back to normal after a romantic disapointment, but at least I’m finally back. Mostly. I seem to still have one side effect that hasn’t gone away yet. I hate happy couples. I do. I don’t want to, but its a visceral reaction. Everytime I see a cute, happy couple I get this negative reaction. Actually, to say I “hate” them is overstating it. I’m not exactly sure how to explain the emotion – its not jealously in the normal sense, but its a negative emotion.
Here’s what happens. I see a happy couple and I get this tight feeling in my chest and my first thought is “that was me like 5 seconds ago,”(it still feels like that 5 seconds ago at times). Then the next thought is “How come the can do it, and I can’t?” (stay together), then the next thought is something like “eh. screw em” (which is really an attempt to make myself feel better).
I don’t want to feel this way, because I don’t like begrudging other people their happiness, but also because having that reaction is a reminder of the mark that he left, the piece of me that isn’t healed. Everyone keeps telling me to be patient, that it takes a while to heal after something like this, but I’m just so over…getting over it. I’m so ready to move on, but then these visceral reactions to things sneak up on me, mocking me and my efforts at moving on.
The good news is that I’m getting used to it and it doesn’t really interupt my day that much. Its kinda like having the hiccups. Annoying, but not incapacitating.
I feel guilty every time I have this reaction, but the one thing that makes me feel better is that my reaction is the same whether its people I know or people on tv or strangers in the street. I don’t hate real couples any more or less than pretend couples. I don’t know why, but I take comfort in that.
