Moving and Moving On, Part 2

Moving on has been a solid theme in my life for the past 6 months or so. As a result, pretty much everything I’ve done has been viewed through that lens.

As I wrote about in Moving and Moving on, Part 1 The Inauguration in January was one such events. And moving into a new apartment in February also became about not just the physical reality of moving, but also the emotional reality of moving and of moving on, specifically from Army Guy. It was emotionally exhausting as well as physically exhausting, and as a result, I managed to end up with the flu for moving week, which just made the already awesome experience of moving in the middle of winter that much better.

Major life changes, (ok, small life changes too) have always been fraught with emotional turmoil, and this was not only no different, but it was emotional turmoil to the 10th degree. I was moving out of a place where I had lived alone, and fairly contentedly, for several years, into a shared living space. As a result I was forced to downsize my possessions by a much larger percentage than  I would have if I were just moving into another apartment. Downsizing is a particularly traumatic experience for me because I am, in every definition of the word, a pack rat. I’ve always known this about myself, and I have generally admitted, accepted and acknowledged it with a mix of acceptance and self conscious humor. But during this move I realized that being a pack rat is about more than just not throwing stuff away. Being a pack rat is a result, and to some degree function of, being someone who assigns emotional significance to basically every object that passes through my life. 

As I picked up each object in my apartment and had to decide “keep or ditch”, I would remember why I had it. Generally, it was because I  had deciding that it would make my life better in some way. That I would entertain more, sleep more, eat better, date more, be warmer, cooler, cozier, funnier, more secure, more adventurous, less busy, more busy, more organized, more relaxed, more social, less social, go out more, stay in more, or in some other way move a step closer to the life I thought I wanted, or should want.

And as I remembered the specific expectations I’d imbued each object with, I would then immediately recognize the ways in which it had facilitated exactly none of those aspirations, and then debate keeping it for hope that it might still. This is not to imply that I was, or am, unhappy with my life. In many ways it is exactly what I want, but not always what I pictured. Which isn’t a big deal on a day to day basis, but can create overwhelming cognitive dissonance and painful moments of self awareness when one is forced to confront that gap approximately 7, 416 times while under a deadline. 

Eventually, as I realized my “keep” pile was far bigger than my “ditch” pile, I started to reevaluate my sorting method. I recognized that in many cases I had achieved some of the goals, but often without the use of the object, and without really even noticing. The “keep” piled thined a bit.

Next I evaluated if the aspirations painted on the object were still something I wanted. Pile thinned a bit more. Could I achieve them in another way? Pile thinned a bit more. But there was still WAY too much stuff left, and I hit a wall of emotional desperation.

Sitting in my living room, most furniture gone, surrounded by piles of “stuff” that for all intents and purposes represented my life, real and imagined, I found myself at a complete loss as to how to go further. I had parted, sometimes painfully, with SO much stuff…how could I possibly survive more loss? “Its inhumane,” I thought as the tears started to fall and heaviness settled in my stomach. “This is my stuff, and its good, useful stuff. Who says I won’t make fajitas with this fajita maker?!” I railed as I wiped the inch of dust off of it. “I could need this smoothie maker some day and I won’t have it, and then where will I be?” I ranted as I searched for the missing piece to the spout.

Eventually I forced myself to recognize that this was not really about the fajita maker, or the smoothy maker, or even, the coco-latte machine. It had even moved on from being about the failed aspirations of those items and their counterparts. It was, or had become, about a fear of what the future held, it was about the recognition that I was being forced to make repeatedly with each item: that things don’t have power to predict, or even facilitate my future, or to protect me from pitfalls and disappointments. I’d lived most of my life  with the sense of security that comes from a belief that things have power. But, I now wondered, did I still need that belief system? Where had it really gotten me anyway?

At that moment my eyes fell on my couch, which in theory I’d always believed was too small, but a mental slide show of nights spent chatting cozily with friends or snuggled up with boyfriends, told me that in practicem had been fine. I remembered the moment I’d started to suspect I was falling in love with Army Guy had been on that couch, when it had felt wonderfully cozy. It was on that same couch that he had sat, miles away from me, and told me he couldn’t see me anymore.   

I acknowledged for the first time that in moving out of the apartment, I was moving away from his ghosts as well, and felt both relief and sadness. Sadness because those ghosts of him were the last pieces I had, and in giving up those ghosts I was also giving up the fantasy I’d been quietly nurturing that one day I would again open my front door and find him standing on my porch. And I knew, finally, that it was time to MOVE ON. With renewed focus I thinned my keep pile to a manageable size. 

On the day I dropped the key off at the old apartment, I took a moment and said goodbye to the apartment, to that life, and a final and offical goodbye to Army Guy.  And for the first time in months had a sense of optimism and enthusiasm for the future, whatever it looked like without piles of random crap.

Too bad ”goodbye” isn’t always goodbye…

 

Moving and Moving On, Part 1

Ok, so this blog post was supposed to be put up in like, early February. But things kept changing in my life and I kept delaying committing to this post, until now. And then of course its an insanely long post, so I’ve broken it up into pieces. That’s my favor to you and your productivity. I hope you’ll forgive the delayed coverage of my inaugural experience, but I figure better late than never

When I turned 30 a few years ago, I decided that I was going to face, and accept, certain aspects of my personality that were unlikely to change. One of those things was that I’m kind of an emotion junkie (this was maybe only a revelation to me). I am highly emotional, but I also look for emotional meaning and significance in just about everything. I always look for the bigger meaning, the emotional context or the larger social or personal significance of everything. I have been known to go into drama withdrawal when my life has been (too) stable. Also, I’m a ceremony whore; I’ll get emotional during any ceremony regardless of its personal meaning or significance,  and I will often turn routine events into “ceremonies”. There are, I suppose, advantages to this. Want to be sure someone will cry at your kid’s baptism? Give me a call. Need an excuse for a party on a Tuesday night? I’ll find it and create a ritual to mark it. But there are also many disadvantages, chief among them that its exhausting always needing to find or apply context or meaning. Plus my life is an endless emotional roller coaster, which may in fact be more exhausting for my friends and family than it is for me, (even considering they only see about 75% of what goes on in my head. I’m usually able to filter, supress or talk myself down from the other 25%).  But I’ve accepted that this is me, and it seems that the people who love me have accepted it as well, and I’ve tried to find constructive uses for that emotional energy, primarily writing and storytelling. But sometimes, events in my life and events in the world come together in a way that puts me into ceremonial/emotional overdrive. Like January 2009, for example.

First up we had Barak Obama’sinauguration. No need to look for emotional significance there, it was was obvious and unavoidable. And yet, I still felt a need to bring it down to my level, to find the impact on my individual life.  I was fortunate enough to be able to attend the inauguration, and while it was cold and crowded it was also an amazing experience. Walking down the street with thousands of other people heading toward the Mall, people singing, chanting, wishing each other well, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being connected to something bigger than myself, to truly being a part of a moment in history.   I distinctly remember thinking that the idea of change could be more than a slogan, it could be a reality. For maybe the first time in my life, I felt like I wasn’t even fully recognizing or intaking the entirety of the moment – there seemed to be layers of meaning and symbolism that I couldn’t get my head or heart fully around. As we continued to make our way to the mall, I allowed myself to be distracted by issues like navigating the crowds and finding the best route to the Mall. But once we found our spot between a jumbo tron and the Washington Momument my mind once again returned to trying to identify the layers of meaning and symbolism of the experience. As the ceremony started I became very aware of the very significant fact that I was witnessing the peaceful transfer of power – something that I think Americans too often take for granted. I was reminded of the emotions that had flooded through me as I cast my vote for Obama back in November. This was more than just a ceremony. This was the physical, philosophical and symbolic representation of the very essence of what makes this country what it is, for better or worse. 

When I decided to attend the inauguration, I’d had high expectations for getting a solid emotional hit from the experience, but I was also realistic that the reality might not meet my expectations, as is often the case. But in this case, the experience was everything I needed or wanted it to be. Right down to the fact that the person I shared it with was one of my oldest and dearest friends. She currently lives in South Carolina, but since high school has lived in MD, MN, AZ and NY but in the 20 years we’ve known each other we’ve managed to share almost every major milestone in each others lives together from crushes, to heartbreaks, from weddings to child birth, from New Year’s Eve to job and educational achievements. And while it just happened to be that she was the one who braved the cold and the crowds with me on that day, looking back I realize it had a beautiful and perfect symbolism to it. She is a part of my past, but also a part of my future, and it was perfect that we experienced this profound shift in the direction of our country together. We were part of history together, and now its a part of our personal history as well.

Just as I was ready to OD on the levels of meaning and symbolism, reality peaked in just a little.

As soon as Obama’s speech was finished, we, and our roughly 2 million new friends, started to make our way off the mall and hit a massive bottle neck almost immediately. As we stood shoulder to shoulder, chest to back, unable to see what was up ahead, what the delay was or how far we were from freedom, the mood in the crowd began to shift. The first indication of the shift was when I heard a man instruct his friend to ”Just start shoving” in reference to getting through the crowd.  A little while later, someone tried to start the “O-BAM-A” chant that had always succeeded in rallying the crowds before the ceremony, but now was met with a “SHUT UP!” Clearly, we had moved on from our feelings of community and hope and were now just ready to be able to move freely. But I loved that too. I loved how realistic that was, I loved how it shook me out of my philosophical emotional high and brought me back to reality. But then I started to see it as almost a metaphor for the sensibility of our country: hope and community spririt are all well and good when things are easy, when we’re walking freely through the streets, but as soon as our individual space  or experience is negatively affected, hope and community be damned, we want resolution. The irony is that when we break down into a million individuals just trying to take care of ourselves alone, nothing is accomplished. But when we recognize that we are interconnected and therefore interdependent and seek to work within those realities, everyone’s experience improves. To wit: someone finally climbed up on the port-a-potties and described the reason for the delay to the crowd (bottle neck through badly set up fencing), and everyone relaxed and the shoving eased. Until we got restless again – I’m not sure I’ll ever forget the experience of the elderly woman who locked her fists together in the center of her chest, looked me straight in the eye and shoved me, with way more force that I would have imagined, into the back of the person infront of me - But then someone else climbed up and gave an updated report, complete with estimated number of yards to the exit point and what to expect once we passed the exit. In total I think it took us more than an hour to move about 10 yards, but we did it without anyone being trampled or too badly bruised, and I definitely consider that a success.

Once released from the mobs of people, we made our way directly West on Constitution toward Virginia and home. As we followed the crowds of people over the Roosevelt Bridge I was struck with a knowledge that I will never be able to see crowds of people walking over a bridge out of city and not have negative associations to the image. We’ve moved on from 9/11 and other international crisis, but some images will be forever imprinted in my brain and will forever have a very specific significance. But then we stopped to rest in the middle of the bridge, and we sat on the lane divider and I took a picture of my friend with DC behind her and I realized that that could become a new way of remembering a bridge filled with pedestrian traffic exiting a city. Layering of meanings. I love it!

We made it to a metro stop in Virginia, dragged ourselves onto a crowded metro and made our way back to the warm house of a good friend who had a huge dinner waiting for us, and we watched the parade on TV, and then the ceremony again on DVR. It was a good day.

For a “meaning junkie” like me, this day was, quiet simply, heaven.  I’ve been in some serious crowds in DC in the past – July 4th, sporting events etc, and never have I seen people as polite and solicitous to each other as they were on Inauguration day.  I really felt the collective and individual commitment to move on.  To move on from fear, and divisiveness, and distrust, and greed, and uncertainty.  Each step we took toward the Mall, each smile exchanged with a stranger, each high five and call and response cheer was a step toward a new future, a return to optimism and a recognition that while it wouldn’t necessarily be easy, or immediate, we were ready to start again, to start a new page in our history.

Or maybe that was just me. Looking back I can see that I had become rather obsessed with the idea of “moving on” and was looking for examples or instructions on how to do it, or even evidence that it was possible…

And as morning dawned on January 21, I realized I had less than a week to move out of my apartment, and while I’d been “pretending” to start packing by giving loads of stuff to charity and friends, there was no discernable difference in my apartment. Have I mentioned that I’m a certified Pack Rat?

To Be Continued…