I’m starting to feel better. I’m starting to feel more like myself for the first time. I guess in the grand scheme of things, it hasn’t been all that long, but it has felt like a LONG time. I hate feeling bad, I hate feeling sad, I hate feeling like my emotions control me. I hate that, and fear that, more than almost anything I can think of.
This morning I woke up and didn’t give in to the impulse to think of him. For the first time since I met him I didn’t immediately go look at my phone to see if there was an email from him. I’ve been awake for an hour and still haven’t looked, which is partly about him, and partly about managing my stress in general. I was hungry this morning and I cooked and ate an egg, which is the most substantial meal I’ve had since wednesday night – and I think its gonna stay in me too! So I’m just focusing on right now, on eating, on sipping my coffee, on writing a blog before I dive into all that awaits for me today.
I’m even feeling a little…I don’t want to say excited, but ready for my event on monday. As I was cooking my egg I thought to myself “yeah, lets knock this damn thing out of the park.” Which is the attitude I must have to get through such a huge and multi-faceted event, and it was the attitude that I couldnt’ access this week and that was stressing me out.
I’m not sure what made the difference today – if it was just passage of time, or the fact that he and I exchanged another round of emails yesterday with more explanations and processing, or the conversation I had last night with a friend I’ve had for 20 years where we talked about the new direction I want to take my life in. Actually, I think that conversation might have a lot to do with me feeling better today.
One of the ways in which Army Guy hooked me in was in his insistance that I should be a writer. He saw the ability, the potential in me and expressed it in a way no one ever really had before – not as a vague “you’re a good writer” way, but a concrete “you must do this as a vocation. Let’s talk about how you make that happen in a concrete way.” I liked the way he saw me, I liked how sure he was that I could do it. That was one of the things, in talking to my friend last night, that I said was hard to let go of.
But last night she, this friend of 20 years, expressed the same vision and the same faith in me, and I realized that I didn’t need this man, this virtual stranger to help me to see who I could be. In fact it meant a lot more coming from her because not only has she known me since we were pre-teens, but she’s an extremely practical person and if she thinks giving up my company to try to earn a living as a writer is doable, than it must be. In many many ways I’m closer to her than my actual sisters, and I can believe in what she sees in me, much more than I believed in what Army Guy saw.
She and I talked about my future, my new future. The one I had started to map out this past August. The one that will take me away from running a business, away from trying to be an executive which has caused me to segment my life – “professional” over here, “creative” over there. She’s the first person I’ve really talked about this change with. Some of my other friends have heard pieces of it, but I haven’t mapped it the actual vision with anyone since coming up with it months ago. I don’t know why, other than perhaps an unconcious fear that these friends, who knew me as a business owner, wouldn’t be able to accept or understand the new plan and would make me doubt myself. It all keeps going back to my need, or at least instinct to segment myself.
Army Guy was the first man who saw “creative” first, and actually was only just about to get a glimpse of “corporate”…Maybe that was part of the cosmic plan. I was sliding back into professional – I was pushing writing aside (as I’ve done my whole life) as work that had been scarce started to flow. I was sliding back into super stressed, 70 hour work weeks with no fullfillment or purpose other than cashing checks (which I know is no small thing. But its not everything.)
The last time I saw him before he left for his trip, the trip where this other chic emailed him and started the unraveling, I was trying to talk to him about my fears at getting sucked back into the corporate life style. I wanted him to say “don’t do it. Fight it. Stay on the new path, everything will be ok.” But he didn’t. He said “you can’t pass up money,” and “You know what you need to do? Organize your objectives and goals for the next 18 months and then work to accomplish them.” It was an unsatisfying answer to say the least, and I remember thinking “ok, fine. We’ll let him see what i’m like when I’m ‘corporate girl’ and see if he’s sings a different tune.” And then he was plucked away, and maybe that’s why – he wasn’t going to help me make this change in my life afterall, he was perhaps nothing more than a sign, a signal in the road (as I suggested previously, a spirit guide of sorts) meant to help illuminate part of the path. AND, the reason he had to go now, at this stressful and busy time of my life, was maybe to remind me of just how much I don’t like this lifestyle. If he had dumped me next week, it would have sucked in all the same emotional and psychic ways, but I wouldn’t have also had to juggle so many professional comitments and be reminded of just how burnt out on it all I am, and just how little satisfaction or joy I get from doing this kind of work. It seems like all of the major turning points in my life have been forced by extremely dramatic or traumatic events, so maybe I just keep needing a cosmic slap in the face to get me moving.
A cosmic slap in the face. Yeah, I think that’s as good a description of this week as any.
I’m not fooling myself into thinking that I’m not still gonna feel like crap at points over the next couple of days, but I think I’ve turned a corner. I think yesterday was the worst of it (I hope.) I’m focusing on Tuesday – Tuesday will be the start of the rest of my life, my new life (I’ll write another post about what the new life will look like later. Right now both of my blackberry’s – yes I have two blackberrys. Yes I’m one of THOSE people. But only on the surface – are blinking at me, and I need to dive into my day.) But I’ve made it 90 minutes this morning without feeling like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. So I’ve got that going for me.
